am I seeing things again?

This is the 50th post for this blog. You would've thought I wrote something more judging by the hours I spend stuck infront of this computer.

Gud Moron -(pronounced Good Morun) that's Good Morning in Swedish. When I was at Sweden, we say that every morning and crack up everytime too. I mean seriously, Moron? Haha. Though in Sweden, they have these words where J is actually Y, like for example this cruise ship I took from Swed to Fin, Silja Line. It's actually pronounced as Silya Line. You get what I mean? You don't? Well, boohooo. Don't come and cry on my shoulder. You know? I wanna watch Prom Night. There's Scottie Mchottie in there! (now i sound like Izzie) but I already know what's the ending and overall, how the story goes. Yeah, thanks Wikipedia. (sarcasticly)


How was your day? Mine wasn't that bad. Today was one of that day, where I couldn't think of anything better than dozing off in my bed, waking up to the sound of birds chirping around, the wind blasting through my hair, sniffing the scent of pancakes baking. Oh, how would I kill for that day to come. Today was different. Today was one of a kind. I wouldn't say it wouldn't happen again, who knows right? But it's definitely not one I'd commit to memory purposely.

I woke up to the sound of Daddy knocking on my door. I ignore him, as I usually do until it came to mind that I had a wedding to attend today. Nothing interesting happened for the next one hour. Ahhah, Now the highlight of the story. Pay attention-as if- Daddy stopped at the Tapah r&r because Zaim had to pee. I didn't really mind as I feel like peeing too. But I had this weird feeling. As if suddenly I ran out of breath. I was gasping for air. Okay, okay. Exaggeration. But I did had a weird feeling tho. Then Daddy told me this was the place where I once got lost. I slammed the door back, and put on my seatbelt. I was this close, (indicating a one inch part) to Trauma. I already opened the door, one foot on the ground. All I had to do was lift up my bum and walk five step where Trauma comes and haunt me again. By the time we reached the wedding, Ive already finished up one whole tissue box. I was having a flu, you see. It was 1 o'clock and I haven't eaten yet. The groom just arrived, so we had to walk behind him, and you know how FAST they walk, with the kompang and all. I didn't brought my handphone -as I didn't want to bring a handbag and If I bring my phone,well.. (you see where I'm getting?ok)- and my watch so I had nothing to play with. In case you dont know, I either play with my watch or my phone whenever I get bored. Daddy promised me that we only had to eat,and show our face, then we can go. While I was on my way to where the food was, I saw this girl from my school, Najwa. She saw me too, but I turned quickly, pretending I don't know her. Do I sound mean? It's just its better pretending rather than smiling and start an awkward conversation. I'm saving everyone the trouble. Plus, I'm a good pretender. While I was eating, my fever started acting up. The sun which was practically glaring towards me wasn't much help. Neither was the music.The music. Oh, the music. It was blasting to my ear, and it wasnt the kind of music I enjoy either. Daddy came and saw I was trying to keep up with all these noises and told me to follow him. Of course, Haziq followed as well. We sat at a corner, where a family was talking so loudly, no one would've noticed if someone just screamed at the top of their lungs. We waited for Daddy, which for every second that pass, seems like a year to me. I was frowning all the time, I can swear people think that's really how my face looks like. Anyway, after 15 minutes, I went straight to the car and slept like a baby till we reached KL again. Now, I'm infront of the computer, posting a blog while listening to Atreyu and wearing a baju kurung, alone in the house.


Oh, how was your day?


Taa, darlings.

every night, every star, every wish.

I still remember being 5, sitting on the sofa in the tv room, sandwiched between mummy and Wah, watching hindi movies and completely clueless as a) I barely understand what they're saying even with the subtitles b) the movies are the soppy love stories and I'm 5!! c) I don't get it why mummy and Wah cried and cried. I thought something happened, so I called Daddy at work and told him the TV did something bad to them, and Daddy was worried and asked me to hand the phone over to Mummy. Mummy answered and suddenly she started laughing. Laughing, Huge Belly Laugh. She said something to Wah, and Wah also started laughing. I didnt get a thing, and surely I don't want to laugh along because I don't even know the reason, so I decided to cry, without any reason. For a five years old girl, crying is far more reasonable thing to do rather than Laughing your heart out.

Maybe I inherited it from them. This crying stuff. I always find it ridiculous when Mummy cry watching tv. Sometimes, we(daddy, and I) made fun of her because she doesn't cry with just a teardrop, her cry was the kind that includes a box of Kleenex and a runny nose. She gets totally offensive and shrieked and said "Hati Batu!" "No Feelings!" and at times, after she said those stuff , she began to cry more loudly and ran to the room. So, in the end. We gave it a rest. We stopped making fun of her.
As I grew older, I get to cry myself. But I usually hide it tho, as I dont want to get teased, especially from my brother who always catches me everytime a teardrop falls to my cheek. It makes me wonder if he was watching me or the TV. My sister was different. She usually just watched the movie and doesn't say a word. The only remarks she did say was "Nice shoes", "Totally fake boobs", "Pathetic idiot", "I so know where that is!".

Now I know why mummy and wah cried their heart out watching hindi movie. It's the sentimental and touched feeling when you see the movie. I get it now, but you know what I really get? I get it that everything on TV isn't always superficial. I always thought so. I was 10 and my life was perfect. I watch TV and I see people dying, freak accidents and I say that's stupid. Things like that never happened on real life. TV's a big liar. But I got my first reality when I was 11 and Grandma died. It was like somehow all this while, I was sleeping and now I'm awake. Someone just slapped me and I'm in reality. Then it got much worse, much much worse. Everything I thought wouldn't happen to me, actually did. Sometimes I don't even get a chance to actually realise it's happening because I'm too caught up with the fact that my life was perfect. It takes time, yes it's true. It surely does. It took me about 4 months to realise that My mother was actually gone. The first time I heard the news, I was all "Ok,ok. What should we do? Yes, get changed, clean the hall, people will be coming" It never occured to me that my mother was actually leaving us. Nomore teasing her, no more making a mess when she bakes muffins/cake for us. No more secret driving trip with her, No more stucked in an elevator and freaking out. And most of all, No more getting shouted at when I messed up the house. Yes, it strange the way we miss people after they're gone, some miss them for their cooking, some for their shouting, some for their love and sweet looks but most of all, that all of us do miss, it's the feeling that they're still here. The safeness. The thought that they're still there for you. We all get to be insecure because we always know they're there for us. What happens when the shoulder that you cry on, is the reason that you're crying?

We all fall into pieces and waits for someone who are willing to put it back together.

fyi, you didn't hear it from me.

You guys are all bitcheessss and I hate all of youuuu phony little wannabeees!!

Whoaa! What would you do if someone posted that comment on your page and everyone can see it? If it was me, I would just ignore it but still, I'd get really offended. I can go on and say "bitch whatever you want about me, i don't give a damn(plus a hair toss-or does that looks a bit dramatic?wtv-)" but that means I'm a liar. Yes, I'm the kind of person who takes everything to heart. Even mindless little remarks. I take all the insults to bed, and I even once dreamt about an insult someone told me, the words just keep ringing in my ears. Oh, god. Pathetic heh? I know. I even take compliments seriously. But that's not bad, is it? It keeps me through a bad day. Sometimes, makes me smile just thinking about those compliments. Though I have to say, I don't get a lot. So there you go. That's a hint. You should probably compliment me more, or if you never did, then you should start.


Im thrilled, can you tell why? And NO, it doesnt have anything to do with my birthday just around the corner. On account of my birthday, I'm not thrilled. I'm bloodysuperfabolouslyexcited. Dib's asked me wether we should celb. on 1st or 2nd? I wanted to say 2nd, as I planned to spend the 1st by sleeping through the day but as I dont usually get to see her and the others, and if we did it on 2nd, Hum can't go, probably we'll celb. on 1st. Haven't confirmed it yet tho.
Oh, yeah. Back to the thrilled part. I'm thrilled because *drum roll please*dadadumm*(ok, that's pathetic) next week, the computer is back on. Oh,yeah baby! I can download as many porns as I can now without getting caught from busybody myob dude, Daddy. (that's a joke,dummy. I don't watch porns) That also means that you're going to see a lot of me from now on. No more, Oh.. I've been busy, blablabla Yakking away. Although I'm not sure I get to go online as I'm having this stupid little test called PMR and if I don't pass it, wait. Let me correct that, If I dont get straight A's, then say bye to freedom as I'm going to live a life worst than a person who's living in jail for 50 years. Yeah, see how horrible this stupid LITTLE test is? You get the idea.


Guys, I'm on a mission to edit my blogskin. Fabs huh? I actually didn't want to change it, but I keep having this dreams and you know, as I mentioned before, I really take it to the heart. So, I'm changing my skin. Do let me know, if it's ugly. HAHA, surely you're blind if you say so. LOL


Taa, darlings.

Is it Saturday already?

I bloody love Mr Phua! Oh gosh, can't believe I said that. But I do. I've just realised that if I put in more effort to play piano, I'd like it. I'm starting to be optimistic, I'm going to love piano. I'm practising everyday. Ok, maybe not everyday. Just twice a week. Hey, that's better than not practising at all. Anyway, he gave me this new song, I don't remember who wrote it or what's the title but it's nice, that's all I can say. And, there's this website - www.my-piano.blogspot.com where you can have freeeeeeee pianoo music sheet and it's not just songs that youve never heard of. It's like totally cool. There's the academy is, kelly clarkson, alicia keys and tons tons to choose from. It's like the feeling when a shopaholic enters Gucci and it's on 50% sale. :)

I'm heading for breakfast in a while, roti canai baby! Haha, that sounds path. right? Smart Bestari is giving me PMR scares. Puan Shida's going to have intensif classes for this holiday. Right straight from 2nd June- 6th June. Bummer, since Im going to go out on the 4th but I think I can skip the class that day because it's only sejarah and english and the same subject is on thursday as well. AHHHH. I'm going to study my whole heart out beginning on June. I still haven't completed my birthday wishlist YET, but no worries. It wont be soon before long. lol. Oh, and a PMR resolution, starting from June, but just not on 1st june lah, I'm going to give the teachers, take it in tuition or in school, my 100% attention. Full attention. Like I'm reading a book, yeap that's what I'm going to give.



Oh god, gtg. I'm on a mission to read Karl Benz biography on Wikipedia. Hey, before you start saying stuff, It's totally interesting. :)

Inside I still hope.

I had a fight with Haziq just a minute ago. He wants to call Daddy and he actually cut off the internet line and I was pissed off because I was downloading a song, and it's already at 90%. Anyway, he said - "This family stinks. I wish I can quit already"

then when I tried to call it truce, he said -" Shut up, you arch enemy"

Which you know, brings up a bit thought to which gives me an idea to post it.

Family is family, its not a job, its not a relationship. I don't know how to describe it, but you have to stick with it forever. From the first moment you sucked in air, to the last breathe you take in. Family isn't marriage, or as precious as friendship but it surely last forever. It's guaranteed to last forever, wether you like it or not, wether its falling apart or not, it LAST FOREVER and that's the only truth I know. Call them your biggest enemy, your worst nightmare, the worst person you've ever known, and wait till someone talks shit about your family, you ought to have a bit possesive feeling to defend them, even if you agree with what they're saying. You can't be here right now, if it wasn't because of your family. Sure, some falls apart and is better left alone but maybe once in a while, take a second and remember "Family is the reason you're here"

Now I get it.

We all hope for something we never get.
We all want to be something we can never achieve.
Baby, don't leave I can't do this
Without you I'll fall asleep
and might not wake up

Don't you just love Wikipedia? I surely do. I discovered a lot of things. You know what I'm craving for? The movie Sixteen Candles. Except, maybe I'm not craving for it, because if you're craving for something, you must have seen it, taste it, smell it, hear it or what right? But I've never seen it and yet here I am, totally in love. Ok, lets not talk about me not talking about being crap.

Sixteen candles stars Molly Ringwald of Pretty in Pink fame. This movie is somewhat in the Brat Pack list as it also stars John Cusack, (he's cute HAHA). I just can't help it but sound like a movie critic, or do I ?* Like thats sooo whatever. Urgh, I'm over it by now. That's last week's news honey.* Jake Ryan in the movie is cuteeee :DD Oh, and did I mentioned, my mother loves the movie? I doubt that I'll find it at Speedy, but there's nothing to lose right? except for hope, which is why I strongly recommend you not to put your hopes so high because deep inside, you know it'll crash down.

If you're bored and you know it, pick your nose. pick your nose, pick your nose.
If you're bored and you really really wanna show it, come on and pick your nose.


So, dudeee anyone who's like picking their nose now, right this instant, please I beg you we do not want to know you're bored. Even if you're madly bored, keep it to yourself. Let the truth buries inside you, and make sure it never gets out.


I'll end this post with just a line from a song :

And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

nothing against it.

what the hell? it's saturday, baby and I'm home. Yeah, like that's a surprise. I haven't studied a thingggg yet, and exam's next week. I'll flunk this exam, surely. Ever had that feeling when you've just edited your page/ blog, and while you were viewing other's (page/blog) you have the urge to edit yours again, as you think it's not good enough. yes, right now, I'm fighting with the urge to do so.
I love to read people's blog because blogging actually shows you who that person really is. What lies inside their heart, what's on their mind. You see thousands of people out there, on the street, but with just a click on your mouse, you can actually know them, deep inside. Which is why I myself, prefer to sit infront of the computer and waste 7 hours rather than exhausting myself walking around in the shopping mall, buying stuffs I'd regret later because its wayy too expensive. Don't get me wrong, I go out when I want to, Im not a loner but nevertheless, not a socialist either. The truth, the truth, nothing but the truth. That's what most people say, but what they really meant was the truth that they supposed they should know. Words ought to be a little wild, for they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking.- John M. Keynes


hey, if you want to keep on lying, that's your business, I have no shit to do with it.

Ouch, that hurts.

if you're a loyal reader of my blog, then you'd remember that I once wrote a post on the book Twilight. Well guess what? There's going to be a movie based on it. Isn't that thrilling? I was just wikipedia-ing Leighton and then click on a link and one thing leads to another, *poofff* found out that twilight is being made into a movie. Wiki said, and I quote " that the production plans on making at least 3 films out of the Twilight series." Hah! Beat that. It's out on December 2008, which is a long wait but quite good because then, PMR is totally history. Buried deep down under the sea. Oh well, for now just gotta face it. You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape PMR.
SHIT! I must be totally insane nowadays if I'm quoting Enrique, gahhha. If, and please emphasise on the IF, you don't remember anything about my previous post where I mentioned Twilight, maybe you should get your head checked or or or that just proves a point. There's no way out now, you're trapped. I'm so going to call Edward Cullen to come and suck up your blood tonight. That's the hero for the book/movie by the way. Edward, the vampire. The 108 years old vampire. Guess who's taking his role? Robert Pattinson. Now, why does that name sounds familiar? If you have Cedric Diggory on your mind, then you're on the right lane. Kristen Stewart's going to play Bella Swan, the girl who falls in love with the vampire. Kristen was the girl in In the Land of Women, which stars the heartthrob, Adam Brody.


Oh god, I've just realised, you know who I sound like? Yeap. Like a movie critic on the newspaper or someone old. Haha. Just for a memory check, I'm 15. Actually, not even 15 yet. I will be though in 24 days or so. So, people. Take your handphone, set on your reminder. Grab your calendar, mark on 1st June. Your favourite girl's birthday is near. Make sure you check your wallet to make sure you have enough money, I don't take anything below 20. Haha, materialistic. Nah, I'm just kidding. Its the thought that counts. But don't you go and buy me some 10 cent candy and tell me that because I'll make sure I shove my foot where it belongs to. Yeah, that's right. In your mouth. But otherwise, I'm pretty nice, and sweet. *Gag!* *Puke!*

Ok, toodles. I'm off to my beauty sleep. (god, now I'm quoting Eric. This is getting really bad, terribly out of hand)

malaysian music industry

ok! My maid's watching AIM right now, so I get to watch it to, even if I don't want to. Melissa Indot wonnnnn! wooot woot, I am so happy. HAHA. Bloody Siti won again for best vocal in an album(female) for the 9th time (thats what the presenter said) ahah and now Estranged is performing. Can you tell how happy I am? HAHAHAHA. Now Sean Ghazi's presenting. I like him too. Stupid Faizal Tahir won best breakthrough artist. I hate him, he's such a fake. Wish Estranged or Atalia would've won.

do you want to be talked about?

I was bored. Wait, let me correct that. I am bored. So when you get bored, you do stupid things right? Well, I don't know about you, but I do. I went to do brothers and sisters trivia then saw Gossip Girl, so just clicked on it. Was totally bored and quite curious since I don't know that much about GG then decided to view everything about it, Ok fine, not everything but close. And these are the few facts i just found out

Taylor Momsen was the girl in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and starred in Spy Kids 2

Mathew Settle has a role in Brothers and Sisters! omg omg


Leighton was the girl I loved so much on Entourage

i'm sleepy, so bye bye.

this endless wait

i see the tears in your eyes

and i'm watching you, don't want you to cry

I'm falling for you, for every tears that fall down

makes my knees gone weak, and hopefully i won't drown

in this life I am, in this world i live,

my love is all for you, and wish i had your heart on my sleeve.

i miss you, i need you,

like I'll never get through

so don't look at me,

your stare burns right inside of me,

i miss you, i need you,

so please, tell me.

do you see us in the future,

do you see us right now?

do you want me to be there for you

cause I can't hardly wait you do.

oh, classic.

Have you ever wished you had a snappy quote, a quirky quip or even a classic quote for that awkward moment, that speech or even that powerpoint presentation? You wish you had the mind of Emily Dickinson, or maybe say something as beautiful as Shakespeare and there you go with thousands of paper crumpled on the floor, you on the table trying to figure out, forcing your mind to work, squeezing out ideas as if it's lemon and the juice would pour out. Trust me on this, I have. I'm not a work of art. I worship the art of poetry, and the beautiful words all over again but Id never be the one creating it, and no longer wishing I was as good as Thoreau. At some point, I reached to the end where I can only love it but not conquer it. There are so many things in life that you want to have but all you can do is sit and sigh and worship and love it, because that's where your limit is up to. So maybe you should stop being a wannabe, and make endless attempts to fulfill you dream. Some dreams are meant to be left as it is. Why go on and try so hard when you can explore so many things rather than one. For god sake, get a life. And as most would say, "Touche!"

Just another Heartbeat

been away for awhile now. okay, how've u been? i'm tangled up in this chaotic and demanding life. my previous posts are depressing? yeah. Fatin said that too. Even Daddy read it and told me I am one miserable teenager. Mood swings, so they say? I don't wanna live. I don't wanna wake up in the morning and remember everything that I have to do. Those tears I cry wasn't for everything I did, it was for everything I had to live with, this is life and no matter where I am, no matter what I do, I'd still get up and see it flashing in front of my eyes. These past few years have been the hardest, without you, I said I can't imagine, now I can, it's the worst nightmare ever. OH FUCK. ever had that feeling? where you wake up and you feel like pulling the cover back again and sleep in your fairytale but you can't because you cant dissapoint them, you care so much about them you never took the time to remember why you're here, who you are and most of all WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? WHAT DO YOU STAND AGAINST? i'm nothing but clueless, everything but perfect and the one that kept me going, someone with you.