every night, every star, every wish.

I still remember being 5, sitting on the sofa in the tv room, sandwiched between mummy and Wah, watching hindi movies and completely clueless as a) I barely understand what they're saying even with the subtitles b) the movies are the soppy love stories and I'm 5!! c) I don't get it why mummy and Wah cried and cried. I thought something happened, so I called Daddy at work and told him the TV did something bad to them, and Daddy was worried and asked me to hand the phone over to Mummy. Mummy answered and suddenly she started laughing. Laughing, Huge Belly Laugh. She said something to Wah, and Wah also started laughing. I didnt get a thing, and surely I don't want to laugh along because I don't even know the reason, so I decided to cry, without any reason. For a five years old girl, crying is far more reasonable thing to do rather than Laughing your heart out.

Maybe I inherited it from them. This crying stuff. I always find it ridiculous when Mummy cry watching tv. Sometimes, we(daddy, and I) made fun of her because she doesn't cry with just a teardrop, her cry was the kind that includes a box of Kleenex and a runny nose. She gets totally offensive and shrieked and said "Hati Batu!" "No Feelings!" and at times, after she said those stuff , she began to cry more loudly and ran to the room. So, in the end. We gave it a rest. We stopped making fun of her.
As I grew older, I get to cry myself. But I usually hide it tho, as I dont want to get teased, especially from my brother who always catches me everytime a teardrop falls to my cheek. It makes me wonder if he was watching me or the TV. My sister was different. She usually just watched the movie and doesn't say a word. The only remarks she did say was "Nice shoes", "Totally fake boobs", "Pathetic idiot", "I so know where that is!".

Now I know why mummy and wah cried their heart out watching hindi movie. It's the sentimental and touched feeling when you see the movie. I get it now, but you know what I really get? I get it that everything on TV isn't always superficial. I always thought so. I was 10 and my life was perfect. I watch TV and I see people dying, freak accidents and I say that's stupid. Things like that never happened on real life. TV's a big liar. But I got my first reality when I was 11 and Grandma died. It was like somehow all this while, I was sleeping and now I'm awake. Someone just slapped me and I'm in reality. Then it got much worse, much much worse. Everything I thought wouldn't happen to me, actually did. Sometimes I don't even get a chance to actually realise it's happening because I'm too caught up with the fact that my life was perfect. It takes time, yes it's true. It surely does. It took me about 4 months to realise that My mother was actually gone. The first time I heard the news, I was all "Ok,ok. What should we do? Yes, get changed, clean the hall, people will be coming" It never occured to me that my mother was actually leaving us. Nomore teasing her, no more making a mess when she bakes muffins/cake for us. No more secret driving trip with her, No more stucked in an elevator and freaking out. And most of all, No more getting shouted at when I messed up the house. Yes, it strange the way we miss people after they're gone, some miss them for their cooking, some for their shouting, some for their love and sweet looks but most of all, that all of us do miss, it's the feeling that they're still here. The safeness. The thought that they're still there for you. We all get to be insecure because we always know they're there for us. What happens when the shoulder that you cry on, is the reason that you're crying?

We all fall into pieces and waits for someone who are willing to put it back together.